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Third culture kids (TCK), a term coined by Dr Ruth Hill Useem, a sociologist in the 1960’s, are those who were raised in a culture other than their parents’ or the culture of their country of nationality. They have the sometimes difficult task of reconciling both cultures to provide some balance for themselves. (TCKWorld: The Official Home of Third Culture Kids (TCKs) – the home of Dr Ruth Useem). Or as another Ruth, Ruth Van Reken put it, a TCK is a person ‘ who spent a significant part of his or her developmental years outside their parents culture’.

 

Recently I went to a comedy club and saw the wonderful Ignacio Lopez perform. He is a Spanish-Welsh comic, born and brought up in Mallorca but moved over to Wales, his mums birthplace, later.

 

His show was entertaining as always and though the jokes landed, one comment he made struck me. He said, in Mallorca where he grew up, he never felt quite like he fitted in as he wasn’t seen as Spanish enough and in Wales it was the same, not Welsh enough.

 

This got me thinking about what I had written previously about the cultural and generational gap where the desire to belong in both (and in some cases several) areas of your world is difficult to navigate and how this precarious tightrope walk has continued in future generations too. As I wrote in Bridging the Gap ‘the pressure to assimilate with my peers, to belong whilst not losing my cultural identity ….weighed heavy….’

 

It can be seen as a first generation born issue in South Asian cultures, but I am recognising it in mixed heritage families too as the multi culturalism of Britain and the world evolves.

 

I have met young people of varied mixed heritages, that admittedly can surprise me e.g. part Nigerian/ part Punjabi or part Chinese/part English or part Bosnian/part Pakistani, part Brazilian/Polish to name but a few. They are considered both not half, a term that comes from actor and ambassador Jassa Ahluwalia who is both Punjabi and British. He advocates that language around identity also shapes and affects us. His book Both Not Half is an insightful read.

 

There has also been an increase in other nationalities moving to the UK eg Romanian, Hungarian or Polish. Their developmental years being in both countries, here and abroad, can lead to attachment issues and questions around identity.

 

Fitting in

 

In all these cases where two cultures are identified with simultaneously, be it the interracial families or those navigating British culture as well as their parents culture, there can come a sense of rejection from one or both. This in turn can potentially lead to identity issues, lack of belonging and attachment, loneliness, isolation, depression, low self-worth or other stresses. We want to belong and build relationships in all cultures whilst not actually having full ownership in any of them. Instead we take parts of both cultures or parts we have introjected, in essence we have a foot in each camp. We only truly fit or belong with others who are navigating a similar world and experience.

 

It seems that there can be a dominant culture or heritage that is lived by and often this works for the young person as there is no conflict. Later in life there can come a time or choice for self-exploration of who they are and what makes them or shapes them. But when there is conflict between both worlds in childhood, perhaps as parents vye to have their culture and traditions accepted, the third culture kid is left to navigate and find their way alone, further embedding the isolation and loneliness felt. Questions of ‘where are you from?’ further implant those feelings. Where are we from? I was born in England but my parents came from the Punjab, South Asia – do I answer I’m English, do I say I am Indian – the confusion is real! Physically, I look one way but my British passport tells another story. It’s a difficult concept to verbalise and feels like only other TCK’s would understand –  is our home a place or an experience we had growing up?

Nadiya Hussain ( Bake off Winner) did an interview last year on BBC Woman’s Hour and echoes how I felt as a Punjabi British child growing up in the 80’s. She talked about her own struggles saying ‘I grew up in a Bangladeshi home in Britain’ and she tried really hard her whole life to fit into either group, British or Bangladeshi, but in reality she is a first generation immigrant. She will never fit in either fully. Each camp was always questioning her authenticity. It wasn’t until she stopped trying to be a part of both but accept who she was and feel comfortable living in the ‘grey area’ of both that she could live more freely and feel happy. This sums up the TCK experience so well.

 

Support

 

Seeking counsellors who would understand and provide an authentic relational depth has been the case for some of my clients. Recently a young woman, whose mum is Chinese and dad English, got in touch to talk through her issues of guilt in breaking away from parts of one culture, appeasing one parent or the other and the constant internal battle she faces internally, daily. The expectations of both worlds can sit heavy for TCK’s.

 

In the school I currently work at, it seems young people don’t tend to share these thoughts with their peers. They may in ‘banter’ or ‘jest’ touch upon some of these topics but seem unable to come together and examine their concerns with each other which would potentially lighten their load. Perhaps it reflects to community living and the shame of speaking out which in turn leads to mental health issues.

 

Finding a way to break the cycle of identity issues or not belonging or the acceptance of us as a whole in ourselves, as the generations and cultures develop and evolve in front of us, feels like a tricky and sensitive challenge.

 

When marginalised or rejected by the host culture it can push that person to become extreme in the way they defend their non-host culture, thus giving them the identity and feeling of belonging they were seeking in the first place. And so the cycle continues with the next generation, not being accepted in one culture only to adopt the other instead, rather than embracing both. We are after all ‘both not half’, not one or the other.

 

As counsellors we can only hope they seek us out in the meantime whilst the ever-changing world adjusts and accepts.

 

Starnta Johal

Although person centred trained, I draw upon other modalities and am trained in polyvagal theory, Cruse bereavement counselling and am a certified clinical trauma specialist as well as having worked for an agency specialising in survivors of domestic and sexual abuse.

Currently I work as a school counsellor with the 11-18 age group and work with adults privately.  starnta98@icloud.com

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