Inspired by To Have or to Be by Erich Fromm

We may wonder if our partner really loves us, but an equally meaningful inquiry is: Does our partner feel loved by us? It’s a tricky one because the answer may be that we don’t know. So, a part of this writing is to offer ‘a way of knowing’, as well as to pause and ask; What is love? and, How is ‘loving’ different from being ‘in love’?

Now for a quick quiz: When you love, do you…

1. …blend; curiosity, deep listening, respectfulness, and encouragement, with being affectionate, (etc.) in order to actively sustain the connection? (Notice that these are verbs).

Or do you,

1. …lovingly linger in a hopeful state that tends to be uninformed and unintentional? Because love is defined by an unconscious attitude of giving and receiving.

Lastly…

1. If being in-love is the given name of the transient connection that makes us woozy in another’s presence, how do grown-ups use their sense of being in- love after the honeymoon period ends?

I think you might already see where I’m going with this… Please, if you still believe in Santa, stop reading now.

For me, I see a conflict between, love as: answer A. – a verb, and; answer B. – uncertain access with unspecified terms and conditions. In reality there will probably be a bit of all three happening in people’s relationships. However, the everyday unintentional attitude, is rampant for it blurs much of our communication. Why do I specify communication? It’s because conscious communication  can help shape and create safety, which enables trust, which supports intimacy. In addition, our unconscious attitude leaves little to fall back on after the inevitable period of being in-love ends. This means that great swathes of good people end up without an approach to nurture meaningful, continuing connections, not with their partner, nor with their children. I see people melting when they hear their partner saying that they love them. I totally get it, because these are enchanting magical words we long to hear. However, without a system of support to demonstrate this sentiment, time lifts the veil and we can be left with empty promises.

An example is that, I frequently recommend, A Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. This is a really life changing read. However, it seems to go largely unexplored. So, while we may invest in years of training to further our career, many of us will not read one single book on intimate relationships, even when we are struggling. The exception seems to be: The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman, (these are: words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, and gifts). Considering, Love Languages is a good thing, and a lot better than nothing, but this concept is anecdotal and generalised. It cannot and does not replace the care and attention offered by answer A.

Society, ever the unreliable narrator seems seamlessly to generate the message that love means being understood without deliberate effort. “If you loved me you’d know…”, If you loved me I wouldn’t have to ask…” Deep sigh. Please believe me when I say that telepathy is not the answer. The installation of silence and omission are sold to us as a form of protection, starting in the parent child relationship. Who wants to say they can’t: afford, understand or manage… Many parents are reluctant to admit simply can’t sat they were/are wrong. These communications could offer transparency and uphold integrity above appearances. Instead silence slips in to facilitate appearances, over transparency. Just like that the truth of our human frailty is ‘disappeared’. An example of this is that many of us, as kids, are told to be good; rarely is there clarification that this is a coded demand for obedience so our family will appear somehow successful.

Families really do have the best intentions but the impact of their silence and non-action promotes a culture and legacy of wishful thinking. Nobody I know was openly taught how to listen, or demonstrably offered respect of their boundaries by a parent.  The result is that up and down the country kids learn that these confusing presentations represent (unconditional) love.

Another way to pin our unpreparedness for love is to acknowledge that we are not equipped to use ourselves to practice on. Here I’m focusing on the use of comparison to project parental and societal expectations. In psychodynamic terms, comparison is used as a tool to highlight our flaws in order to incentivise us. But the outcome is that we are encouraged to abandon self-compassion, replacing it with self-criticism. Meanwhile appreciation for our own uniqueness is replaced with the expectation of a sameness.  In this way comparison becomes a way we are trained to accept, and supported to project onto ourselves and those around us. In Lola Young’s single Messy she documents the barrage of (comparative) criticisms that get weaponised in many relationships, and that represent many people’s internal narrative. We long for love, but our bucket has a huge hole in it.

In, The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle tells us that love should never feel painful. This idea invites us to reflect on the nature of love, and how it feels. When I ask clients what love is, and what they want to give and receive – they come back with profound insights. This tells me that we are aware of the things I’ve mentioned here, but that our inner wisdom is eclipsed by the myth and manifestation of normal. Okay, people are entangled in: interpersonal conflicts, a build-up of resentments, competitiveness, tit-for-tat, feelings of missing out, actual and passive aggression, and childhood unmet needs. It’s not only our attitude to love that holds us hostage. But our continued unintentionality is a huge factor.

Without a clear concept, love’s power is undoubtedly; misunderstood, misrepresented and misaligned. In that way it slips into becoming a noun—a static concept. However, my point love is not merely a feeling that happens to us; it’s a practice that demands our active participation. By exploring our own and our partners needs and desires we can choose to support deeper connections, endeavour to create safety, and nurture intimacy. We can also assess if the ‘love’ we are being offered fits.

As Elizabeth Barrett Browning beautifully put in her most famous sonnet, “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways”. This is an invitation for us find out what love is made of, and ask how we can define and sustain it, for our children, ourselves, and our romantic partners. As for being in-love; well it’s a wonderful hot minute overflowing with fantasy, newness, best behaviour and sexual tension. Is it the stand alone stuff of a lasting relationship? you tell me…

Adriana Dorsett
Relationship Counsellor
adrianadorsett@yahoo.com